You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize