also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
