I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
