it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
