the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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