I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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