Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
So many bounce houses so little time
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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