My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
