She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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