She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize