watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
