Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
