im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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