i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize