I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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