he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
