You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
