I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
