You really coming over, don't trick.
Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
