I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
