Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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