Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
