I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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