Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
