I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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