I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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