if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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