Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
