There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
