I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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