I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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