My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
