Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
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