My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
