The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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