Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
