if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
