sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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