I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
