I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
