twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
what the fuck happened to the tacos
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
