...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she looked like the before picture.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
