Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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