Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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