4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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