How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
