VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize