We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
