Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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