I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
