Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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