I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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