I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
