I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
it was like his penis was on wheels.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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