Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Randomize
