Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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