Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
