After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
