The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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