I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
