i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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