Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize