first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
My cat gives me a boner
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
