Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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