got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
