im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we made out on top of his cat.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
