yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I AM VODKA MAN
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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