Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
