Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
