I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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